Movie Theater

Letters to People I Hate

By

Carl S. Entner

To The Person Who Sat In Front Of Me At The Theater

Hello sir. Might I suggest that you take a shower? The time that I spent with you was most pungent, and I always consider it wise when I go on an outing which will require me to stay in one place for a long time among strangers, that I do not have the aroma of cat feces wafting around my body.

 But I take it from the fact that you chose to breed that you are quite a cruel man, for who else with a form as hideous as the one that you posses would choose to pass those physical traits onto another human being? The only thing that contradicts the cruelty that I see in your nature is the sage advice that you shout to the characters on the screen. While I feel that this is done with the best intentions you must know that those are moving pictures and this was done a long time ago, and all those people would be just fine without your advice. Think. If they were to hear you and take your advice, it would not be a very good movie, so enjoy the fact that those people on the screen make mistakes.

One last thing. While it is important to groom yourself, such things are best left to when you are at home alone. Sitting there in your chair clipping your toe nails, while a good idea in theory is unwise. I personally like my popcorn, toe nail free, and I feel I speak for 99% of the audience when I say that they feel the same way.  

Going to the movies can be a great time, a crowd of people gathered together to share in an experience that takes us outside of ourselves. But when someone like you arrives the only thing we can do is debate whether we can justify throwing out the money we spent on the film to get out of your presence.

From The Guy Grumbling And Holding His Nose Behind You