So I just recently found out that there’s this thing called football. And apparently, there’s a college version of this “football.” And from the looks of it, I think they start today or something. I really can’t tell. ESPN is being a little vague on the subject.
Anyway, I was going through my lists on ESPN.com and realized there are a couple of schools who have pretty dumb mascots. I don’t even know what those guys were thinking. It’s pretty ironic that there just happened to be exactly seven of those schools though.
Anyway, here they are in no particular order. I take that back. They’re in alphabetical order. Deal with it.
1) ARIZONA WILDCATS
And while we’re at it; also the Kansas State Wildcats, Kentucky Wildcats, New Hampshire Wildcats, and Villanova Wildcats.
I suggest watching your back Tigers.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that the Wildcats is by far the most cliché mascot name there could ever possibly be. I guarantee that 99.8% of the people reading this have gone to at least one school where the mascot was the Wildcats. For the love of god, please stop picking Wildcats as your school mascot. It only serves to show how utterly uncreative you are.
2) DELAWARE FIGHTING BLUE HENS
Did not pass any of the tests at KFC.
A) That thing up there is not intimidating.
B) The need to put “Fighting” or any other intimidating adjective in your mascot’s name doesn’t help your case.
3) GEORGETOWN HOYAS
Psst. These guys are our future lawyers and Congressmen. Classy.
So. What is a Hoya? Georgetown admits that they don’t even know. They decided to just go a head and make a bulldog their stand in mascot. I did a quick Google Image Search and a bunch of plants came up. Apparently their mascot is a plant. Let’s all silently mock them. Wait, scratch that, feel free to mock them out loud. Their mascot is a freakin’ plant, and they realized how lame that is, so they went ahead and changed it to a bulldog. Literally the only thing less intimidating than a plant is an amorphous blob of a single color…
4) HARVARD CRIMSON, STANFORD CARDINAL, AND SYRACUSE ORANGE
Oh! Scary! I hope it doesn’t grow fangs and bite me!
I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Bob: Ok guys, we need to come up with a mascot for our new school.
George: Cardinal
Bob: I like it. We’ll be the Cardinals. We can borrow some advertising materials from Arizona. It’ll save us a bunch of money.
George: No. I don’t believe I said “Cardinals” as in the bird. I’m pretty sure that I said “Cardinal” as in the color.
Bob: What?
George: I think our mascot should be a blob of the color Cardinal.
Bob: That’s ridiculous.
George: I still have pictures of you and a hooker.
Bob: Fine. We’re the Stanford Cardinal.
5) OREGON DUCKS
Easily the most intimidating animal in Google Image Search
I don’t know about you, but when I think duck, intimidating beast isn’t quite the first thought that pops into my head. Plus, the duck looks like Donald Duck in one of those sport based cartoons he did. And I’ve never known any Disney character to scare grown men.
6) TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS
At lease they’re doing something more than making snarky comments on a blog.
I think somewhere along the line, somebody in Tennessee missed the point of having a mascot. I mean, it may just be school pride talking here, but I’m almost positive that if a Habitat for Humanity volunteer and a Trojan warrior crossed paths, the volunteer would be the one missing their dentist appointment that afternoon.
7) WAKE FOREST DEMON DEACONS
The Lord fully endorses slaughtering on a football field.
It may just be my Presbyterian upbringing, but when I think of Deacons, I think of middle-aged dudes who lead church events. I can’t decide if Demon Deacons makes it any better either. It’s almost like someone named Deacon died and the Wake Forest leaders spent 56 hours locked in a room trying to find a way to make Deacon sound even slighting intimidation.
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