Congratulations! You have found the first in a series of seven points lists. Each week there will be yet another list for you to read and enjoy. Well, it’ll be here for you to read at least.
Since I settled on the number seven for the length of my lists, it naturally made sense for them to be the Seven Deadly Lists, which naturally makes sense that the first entry be a list on the Seven Deadly Sins. Now, most logical people realize that some of these sins are quite a bit more bullshit than others, so I took care of ordering them for you. Now you don’t have to worry about doing that yourself. See how nice I am?
1) SLOTH
I think this sloth is committing at least 3 Deadly Sins.
According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, Sloth is defined as “disinclination to labour or exertion.” They go on to site some guy named St. Thomas. He seems important, because he shows up in a lot of my research. “As a capital or deadly vice St. Thomas (II-II:35) calls it sadness in the face of some spiritual good which one has to achieve (Tristitia de bono spirituali).” I’m not entirely sure what all this means, because I didn’t really care enough to read the full definition, but it’s something along the lines of apathy and laziness.
Why It’s Bullshit:
I can sum up my entire argument for why the world doesn’t care about Sloth with two words: Blizzard Entertainment. Yeah, we all make jokes about the stereotypical World of Warcraft player, but with 11.5 million monthly subscribers; it’s a bit hard to say the world really gives a damn about getting out of the computer chair and showing some interest in the outside world.
Also, I tried to count all the movies that feature a hero who’s ridiculously lazy and apathetic, but I stopped caring around Stepbrothers.
2) GLUTTONY
“Sup Ladies.” --Fatty McFatfat
Gluttony is the over indulgence of food and drink to the point of waste. Our good friend St. Thomas goes even further to say that anticipating your meals or wanting to season your food is going to send you to a tea party with Dante also. Who would have guessed that Mrs. Dash was such a whore?
Why It’s Bullshit:
In case you didn’t realize, America may or may not have a slight problem with their weight. With 8 out of 10 Americans being at least pleasantly plump, I’m not sure if we can really safely say that this is a Deadly Sin we care about anymore. Sure, we all love to make fun of those fat bastards. I mean, who else am I going to get to play the boulder in my next Indiana Jones Theme Party? But with a vast majority of us being overweight, I think we can call this Deadly Sin Bullshit.
3) PRIDE
I was having a hard time deciding which Pride pun to make.
Ellen Page won.
Pride is defined as the excessive love of one’s own excellence. St. Thomas thinks it’s more of a vice than a Deadly Sin though, so his credibility is pretty much thrown out the window at this point. I suppose this is the point in the list where these sins aren’t blatantly bullshit anymore. Everyone knows and hates that asshole who thinks he’s the best at whatever it is you do. Plus, too much pride can lead to self-idolatry, which is against one of the Big Ten. (I’ll have to do an edit on those if I want to write a list about them…)
You prideful sons of bitches.
Why It’s Bullshit
Pride being a Deadly Sin is complete bullshit because we all need pride to improve society. If you didn’t care about being proud of the way you looked, you certainly wouldn’t be sitting around in your boxers, eating a Twinkie and reading blogs. Wait, scratch that last part. If it wasn’t for people trying to be the best in their field, we’d still think leeches are the best cure for just about everything.
Perhaps it’s more of that whole, “a little pride goes a long way” thing?
4) LUST
“Hey Babe, what’re you up to Friday night?”
Ah, lust. Where do I start with you? I wanted to stop with the St. Thomas references after 3, but I believe it was him who defined lust as “the desire to bone… you know… get your dick wet.” That sounds like something he might have said, right? Here’s where it starts to get sticky. I wanted to put this more towards the end of the list, considering all of the conservatives who say, “Don’t fuck till your wedding day.” But then I remembered all the liberals who say, “Do you need cab fare to get home now?”
Why It’s Bullshit:
A $4 billion industry can’t be all bad, can it?
5) ENVY
LG has soiled the word Envy forever.
According to Catholic Encyclopedia, envy is “a sorrow which one entertains at another's well-being because of a view that one's own excellence is in consequence lessened.” Huh? I think that’s a wordy way of saying my enV sucks and I’m jealous of my friends with iPhones and Droids. Blackberries can suck it.
Why It’s Bullshit:
I think this one probably refers back to the Big Ten again, and I’m thinking envy sometimes leads to stealing, but come on. Really? Just because I’m looking over at my friend’s dinner and wishing I had ordered the fried zucchini instead of the onion rings means I’m going to burn in hell? Bullshit.
6) GREED
“Back off Jimmy, and nobody has to get hurt.”
Greed is another one of those sins of excess. Just like lust and gluttony, having too much wealth or power leads to you dancing with Lucifer for falling to the temptation of greed. Let’s look at little Suzy up there as an example. Sure, she could share the dolls and be able to play with two other friends, but then she wouldn’t have all the dolls to herself anymore.
Why It’s Bullshit:
According to Catholics, Suzy’s more likely to go to Hell for not sharing her dolls than I am for shitting in my neighbor’s mailbox just to piss him off.
7) WRATH
Hulk Smash!
Wrath is by far the least bullshit of all of the Deadly sins. The Catholic Encyclopedia defines wrath as “the desire of vengeance.” Dante’s definition of wrath includes "love of justice perverted to revenge and spite". So it’s not just getting ticked off that the guy in front of you isn’t turning right on a red light. (Hey, tourists, that’s legal here in California.) It’s getting out of your car and punching the guy in the face until the light turns green that our good friend St. Thomas wouldn’t be happy about.
Why It’s Bullshit:
To be completely honest, I had the hardest time coming up with a legitimate reason why Wrath being a Deadly Sin is Bullshit. I mean, obviously getting pissed at some idiot and slamming his face into his steering wheel is a bad idea. I even had to stop writing and come back to the article the next day to finish all because of this paragraph.
Ultimately, the only thing I could come up with is that Wrath is the only Deadly Sin that comes with a list of qualifiers. Every other sin on this list just flat out says, “This is fucked up. Don’t do it. Ever.” Wrath is the only one where the Catholic leaders say, “You shouldn’t commit Wrath, but just so you know, here’s a list of stuff that technically doesn’t count as Wrath that we’re willing to look the other way on.” Here’s another quote from the Catholic Encyclopedia that sums up the gray areas of Wrath.
“Its ethical rating depends upon the quality of the vengeance and the quantity of the passion. When these are in conformity with the prescriptions of balanced reason, anger is not a sin. It is rather a praiseworthy thing and justifiable with a proper zeal. It becomes sinful when it is sought to wreak vengeance upon one who has not deserved it, or to a greater extent than it has been deserved, or in conflict with the dispositions of law, or from an improper motive.”
So, basically, there’s a fine line here. If you stay on the right side of the line, keeping your anger to acceptable levels of logic, reason and passion, anger is not only acceptable, but looked at as a virtuous quality. And if you need to have a full on trial to decide if your actions were justifiable or not, then this sin can’t be considered one of the most horrible and Deadly Sins. I call Bullshit on this whole Deadly Sin business.
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