Mad Rogue Comedy

Volume 1 - Chapter 1: Kobold Troubles

2011-03-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

I would now like to present a new project that I am very proud of and think that you all would enjoy. I am currently playing a Dungeons and Dragons game and posting our adventures as the new Security by Obscurity podcast. We have a fan page on Facebook, we will soon be appearing on iTunes Music Store, and you'll be able to find our adventures here as well.

I hope you enjoy listening to our adventures as much as I enjoyed recording them.

Volume 1 - Chapter 1: Kobold Troubles
Part 1:
In our first adventure, we are introduced to our heros in the middle of an apocalyptic scene. We quickly return to civilization and are enjoying the Sun Festival, when Kobolds attack.

Part 2:
After hearing the Chief's deal, we set out to find The Whisperer, eventually discovering the entrance to his lair.

Part 3:
We finally track down the Whisperer. We are also introduced to Elhsed.

7 Stages in the Evolution of Web Design

2011-01-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Hello internet world. It's been awhile since we've talked. I started writing an article last week, but then I realized that I didn't know enough about comic books to write out a full 7 points list, so I posted it as a 3 points list on Podtact's blog. Curse you Handley for calling this "7 Deadly Lists."

Anyway, I was then surfing the interwebs and I stumbled upon a website that was either designed several years ago or designed by someone who failed their 8th grade computer class. It tickled my funny bone and I was intrigued to start researching trends in web design. I then decided it would be fun to compile this into a 7 step evolution for your enjoyment.

1. Hello? Tubes? Can You Hear Me?

Oooo! Blue underlined links!

1991 was a fun year. I assume. I was 5, so I don't have distinct memories of 1991. According to Wikipedia, it was a common year that started on a Tuesday. Not a bad way to start a year. There was that whole Dr. Jack Kevorkian thing. Wasn't that a mess? The younger sister of Britney Spears was born, so there's that. Oh, and the first web site ever was launched.

This website was basically the internet's ReadMe, and had links to information explaining what was going on and how to use the tubes. As you can see, very few HTML tags had been developed, and these early sites were definitely putting function over form. They existed for a purpose and that purpose was to share information amongst other researchers and intellectual types. One website that I used for research claims that at this point, websites were being created by programmers, not designers.

2. <IMG> LolWut?

Much better...

Pretty soon, programmers realized that this whole internet thing was catching on with people who have met and were able to hold a conversation with a female. Unfortunately, these people aren't as smart as the programmers and get bored reading books that don't have pictures. A solution was needed to get more people interested in the internet, and that solution was <img>. The HTML tag that would eventually allow us to look at cats in funny situations with silly captions. Or should I say "cat-tions?" No. I should not have said cat-tions. Please forgive me.

As you can see, there wasn't much improvement at this point, but only because programmers hadn't been replaced by designers yet. At this point, the new images were mostly being used to insert an occasional picture or the company's logo. People were still using their phone lines, which meant more pictures created longer loading times. And that's never good.

3. Netscape, Table for Two!

Look! More than one column!

Tables. Now we're starting to get somewhere! Originally, the table tag was introduced so that programmers and smart people could post sets of data to share with each other. I mean, what's more interesting than an online Excel file? Oh, that's right, the realization that we can use tables for better looking sites!

At this point, programmers are starting to get phased out by web designers. Information is starting to get laid on in more visually appealing columns and blocks. With the creation of the Spacer GIF, we were able to organize our websites into formats that make sense and resemble something closer to the magazines and newspapers we were already used to. Web designs were actually starting to become complex now, and due to how thin HTML coding was being stretched to accomplish this, WYSIWYG programs were starting to be created, creating a mess of jibberish tags and 1 pixel high tables for programmers to sort through. Form had finally overtaken function.

4. Oooo, Dream Weaver!

I believe you can get me through the night.

Now, we've reached the stage where people were just doing things because they could. As the author of CssMySite.com states, anybody could now make a website, "regardless of web knowledge, design ability, or taste."

This era of web "design" is dominated by frames, flashing borders, loud backgrounds, play-on-load music, Comic Sans MS, and "Best Viewed With ____" badges. Much like the 70s, this was a necessary era to pass through, but thank God we're out of it.

5. STANDARDS!!!

Nice. Form and Function are on speaking terms again.

While we were learning a lot from our rebellious DreamWeaver/FrontPage days, programmers were trying desperately to get people to notice this lovely little thing called CSS that they had been working on for years now. With CSS, designers were able to create designs similar to the beginning days of the Tables, but without all of the sloppy marks ups and jibberish created by overusing tables.

This was allowed by separating the design elements from the information itself. The format of the website could be created and altered without depending on or messing up the content. Because of this separation, the basics of table based designs could be taken and improved upon. Increasingly more complex and interesting looking designs could be used, and thanks to the smaller file sizes, more content could be put on a website without slowing down the loading process.

6. Web 2.0

Oooo! Look at all the colors!

Web 2.0 is the unfortunate step backwards we took when the same people who had been creating the DreamWeaver/FrontPage websites started learning how to use CSS. True, their website looked a lot cleaner and more professional than their previous attempts; however, just because they had learned a thing or two about how to build a site didn't mean they had acquired any sense of good taste.

What we ended up with was some sort of twisted combination of sites that were trying not to look like an 8th grade Geocities homework project, but were trying to appeal to a mess of people who had just started using MySpace. Reflections, shadows, obnoxious fonts, and horrid colors became hallmarks of this era. Designers now had the proper tools to finish the job, but even with all the correct tools, you can still build a crooked birdhouse.

7. The Tug of War Continues...

Looks like time and space was all Form and Function really needed.

And that brings us to modern web design. We have found a happy balance of form and function, as we have learned to display information in a way that is easy to read and enjoy while maintaining some degree of professional, tasteful design. The return to grid based design has made it possible for many modern sites to integrate widgets and applications that keep you constantly connected to many of your favorite websites. The rise in smartphone technology has helped to push for designs that are simple, yet sleek and easily translate from your 40" desktop monitor to your 3" phone display.

It's actually quite unfortunate that if history continues in this pattern, we should be waiting for the pendulum to swing back towards the tacky and horrendous looking websites. I guess the silver lining is that both sides always learn something from each swing of the pendulum.

7 Peculiar Phrases From My Cell Phone's User Created Dictionary

2010-12-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

So, I recently found myself sitting in a waiting room for an extended period of time with a friend. While we were sitting in this waiting room, I actually got bored enough to go into my phone's user created dictionary and start cleaning up typo's and words that I didn't want saved to the dictionary. My friend and I thought this was amusing, and while it could have just been delirium created by several hours of sitting in a hospital waiting room, I decided it was amusing enough to share the best seven with all of you.

1. 5 Different Variations of "Baum"

Internet, meet Baum.

Internet, I have a friend named Michael Rosenbaum. We call him Baum. My phone currently has 5 different variations of this saved to its dictionary. There's Baum, Baumster, Baumsquad, Baum.com, and Baumbadeer. Suck on that everyone. Baum has officially taken over my user created dictionary.

2. Beatles Inspired Puns

I have an ex girlfriend who didn't realize that the Beatles was a pun.

For some reason, one of my friends and I got into a Beatles pun battle. I don't remember this at all and I really don't even remember which friend it was. But now my User Created Dictionary includes Bingoeatles and Greatles.

3. Alchemy Terms

This is all you need to create Gold. No. Really.

A couple of months ago, my friend Lisa and I both got addicted to the Droid game Alchemy. In this game, you are given four basic elements and you must combine them to create 300 other elements. It's ridiculous. It was also fun until about 275. That's when I started cheating. Don't tell Lisa that I wasn't smart enough to come up with Star Wars on my own. Anyway, because of this game, I now have words such as carmine, caviar, cochineal, golem, Mentos, motorboat, and omelette in my phone.

4. An Assortment of Warcraft and Blizzard Terms

Is it sad that I'm thinking more about killing Alliance than her lack of clothing?

Yes, I play Warcraft. I quit once, but that only lasted about a week. And now anyone who looks through my User Created Dictionary will know exactly how nerdy I am. Although, who would steal my phone and look through my User Created Dictionary? I guarantee that is the last place I would explore if I stole your phone. But anyway, the full list of WoW and Blizzard terms includes dps, Garrosh, gnomes, hanslo, herbalism, Kek, mana, modan, murloc, Northrend, orc, prot, silverpine, tauren, terran, undead, warcraft, and warlock. Yes. 18 terms related to Warcraft and Blizzard. The really sad part is that I know that there would be a whole lot more, but for most of them, my phone was like, "wtf? that's not even close to a real word. You're on your own buddy."

5. Hypnotoad

All hail Hypnotoad.

Everybody loves Hypnotoad. There may or may not be someone who uses a recording of me doing the Hypnotoad sound effect as their ringtone.

6. Orly

Orly? Yarly.

Unfortunately, I cannot honestly say that I have never used the phrases "Orly" or "Yarly" in a text message.

7. Pimp-my-dreams

That's my kind of dream pimping.

I was going to write about how I completely forgot what this term was referring to, and that it could only have been a reference to my unrequited crush on Ellen Page and Inception. But then I typed pimp-my-dreams into Google and remembered that it was part of a link to a funny webcomic that I forwarded to a friend. (http://www.pidjin.net/2010/11/22/pimp-my-dreams/) I like the first option better though, because it allows me to post another picture of Ellen Page. I'm hoping that if I make enough references to her, she'll eventually be Googling her own name, find this blog, and send an email to madroguetheater@gmail.com.

Honorable Mentions

My Jimmy Smitts, Roofies, M. Night Shaymalan and tranny jokes will have to be saved for another entry.

Movie Theater

2010-12-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

Letters to People I Hate

Carl S. Entner

To The Person Who Sat In Front Of Me At The Theater

Hello sir. Might I suggest that you take a shower? The time that I spent with you was most pungent, and I always consider it wise when I go on an outing which will require me to stay in one place for a long time among strangers, that I do not have the aroma of cat feces wafting around my body.

But I take it from the fact that you chose to breed that you are quite a cruel man, for who else with a form as hideous as the one that you posses would choose to pass those physical traits onto another human being? The only thing that contradicts the cruelty that I see in your nature is the sage advice that you shout to the characters on the screen. While I feel that this is done with the best intentions you must know that those are moving pictures and this was done a long time ago, and all those people would be just fine without your advice. Think. If they were to hear you and take your advice, it would not be a very good movie, so enjoy the fact that those people on the screen make mistakes.

One last thing. While it is important to groom yourself, such things are best left to when you are at home alone. Sitting there in your chair clipping your toe nails, while a good idea in theory is unwise. I personally like my popcorn, toe nail free, and I feel I speak for 99% of the audience when I say that they feel the same way.

Going to the movies can be a great time, a crowd of people gathered together to share in an experience that takes us outside of ourselves. But when someone like you arrives the only thing we can do is debate whether we can justify throwing out the money we spent on the film to get out of your presence.

From The Guy Grumbling And Holding His Nose Behind You

Hair Cut

2010-12-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

Letters To People I Hate

Carl S. Entner

To The Lady That Cut My Hair Today

When I agreed to let you cut my hair today I was not looking for somebody to have a nice conversation with. I was looking for a hair cut. I do not care what you think would be a great April Fools joke, its December and your idea was pretty stupid, you should consider keeping that to yourself and hope that moment of foolishness does not leak out into real life.

I also will not tell you how the book is when I am finished with it. Do you think my first thought when I finish the book is to run to the local salon and tell you “yes, that book I read was good”? By then I will have forgotten you, and although I know that I am a quite remarkable person, I think one month is sufficient time to forget me. We are forced to share fifteen minutes together because I am unable to do the service which you supply, don’t make it worse by forcing me to pretend that I care about anything that you say.

From The Man Who Does Not Want To Be Disturbed.

Story #3

2010-11-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

by Cassi Jerkins

The child at the carnival could not have been more delighted at the demented acts he witnessed before his eyes. The laughter of the Master of Ceremonies frightened his soul in a most pleasing way. As lions hopped through hoops of fire and a man on a unicycle juggled sharp knives with his own bare hands, all the boy could think was, “I want to build my own circus!”

On the car ride home, the boy envisioned himself seven feet tall, flexing his gigantuous muscles at a hungry, evil tiger. Life at a circus sure is swell and the boy could not take his mind off it! His daydreams shifted from what his future career will behold to the present: The boy must begin his circus training as soon as possible so one day he can be the best! The boy thrashed about in the backseat becoming increasingly antsy over his imprisonment in a minivan instead of living his dreams! His parents ignored his behavior by blasting their country music and keeping their eyes on the road.

When the nuclear family finally arrived home, the boy burst out of the van and waited anxiously as his snail-like parents let him into the house as if in slow-motion. Sigh. Parents never understand the importance of a child’s dreams… When the boy made it to his room, he ran to the desk and began working on his circus. For the next two hours, he drew picture after picture of his circus: the tent, the costumes, the performers and all. He then made list after list of all the things around the house he could use for this circus: sheets, hoola hoops, lighters, his father’s tall hat, a pogo stick, his cat, sharp knives… He would have worked all night but his parents’ noticed his light on and sent him straight to bed. As the boy put his pajamas in dramatic protest, he couldn’t help but grow more excited for the morning to come. Tomorrow was the day the boy would build his first spectacular circus in the park across the street.

The boy dreamt all night about his circus. It was the best circus this neighborhood had ever seen! Children swarmed the park, along with adults of all sizes to catch a glimpse of his great acts. Even his parent would carry wide smiles gleaming in his direction. The boy imagined the hundreds of eyes upon him as he confidently commanded his cat through a hoop of roaring fire. The audience oohed and awed, clapping wildly at the boy and his cat, numerous whispering. “How did he do that?” Little did they know his cat trick was unimpressive compared to all the rest. Later that evening he entertained his audience by juggling knives, pogo-sticking across water, swallowing fire, riding his bike across a tightrope that connected from the park’s gazebo to the swing set, among many others neat tricks. With such a magnificent dream like this, morning came sooner than the boy had anxiously anticipated.

The bright sun poked the boy through his bedroom window curtains waking him up to a triumphant day. The boy slid briskly out of bed and put on his “Master of Ceremonies” outfit, which he had prepared the night before. His father may have objected to the boy stealing his tall hat and black coat with coattails that dragged across the floor when the boy bore them but his father spent the whole morning in front of a computer screen that he hardly noticed the boy at all. The boy scurried about the house collecting his much-needed tools for his circus. Like a cautious businessperson, he carried his lists with him, checking off each item as he retrieved it. He worked so quickly that when he finally had his wagon loaded up his mother finally lost her patience with this raucous and ordered him outside. “That’s ok,” the boy thought happily, “when she sees the circus I build, she’ll never yell at me again.”

All morning the boy worked diligently on his circus. He swept the gazebo, dressed his stage and began hanging sheets to turn the gazebo into the most perfect tent. Many children stopped to watch the boy hard at work. Occasionally they would inquire about his business but the boy would just smile and reply, “Oh you’ll see.” The children collected amongst themselves by the sandbox curiously exploring what the boy could possibly be up to. Was it a fort? Or perhaps, it is for a special birthday party? What could it be?! Meanwhile, the children’s parents disproved of the boy’s parents allowing him to use a ladder unsupervised.

Hours later the tent stood shaggy, the stage was set and the rope connecting from the swing set back to the gazebo was up and somewhat sturdy. It was now time for rehearsal! The boy placed the cat carrier onto the table and then soaked the hoola hoop in gasoline. He tested his homemade whip made from a stick and a long USB chord, a few times on the ground. Crack! Crack! A bit weaker than most whips he had seen before but still effective. Crack! The cat in the carrier grew increasingly wary and began trying to claw her way out of the carrier. “Calm down, Snowball!” the boy screamed and whipped the carrier. Crack! This did not help matters and the cat began to cry louder. The boy sighed in frustration. Snowball was clearly not ready to practice. He looked around in a huff and then noticed the three sharp kitchen knives. Yes! Something I can work on in secrecy without Snowball. The boy inched his way towards the knives and carefully picked them up. He held them above his head to admire their steel glimmer. “So sharp”, he thought to himself. He collected them once again and struggled to place two in his right hand and the remaining knife in his left. The knives felt much heavier than he anticipated but he still knew he could juggle them perfect! The boy began to steady himself and prepare for his first juggle. His heart began to patter at an exhilarating and panic-stricken pace. Snowball had silenced herself and watched the boy with her big green eyes. “Alright.” The boy comforted himself. “One… twoooo… threeeeee-“

Just then, foots steps were heard running towards the tent. The boy stopped and looked towards the sound of the aggressive steps in fear. He somehow sensed he was about to get into big trouble. He dropped the knives at his feet. The cat jumped but the boy did not for his eyes remained fixated on the tent door. Was it his parents coming to ground him again? The tent flap swung upon and there stood two middle-aged men. Were these men cops in disguise?

“Excuse me, sir.” One sneered, “Do you have a permit?”

“A permit?” the boy stuttered.

“Yes, a permit to have a circus. You do realize there is a circus less than 20 miles away from this one.”

“Oh yes,” the boy lit up in remembrance, “I went there last night!”

The other man who had stood in the shadows of the tent, sprung forward in rage, “Why you little thief! You’ve got a lot of gall!”

The man let out a terrible scream and lunged for a sheet ripping it to the ground. All the children at the park stopped and watched the scene go down at the gazebo, their jaws dropped. Their parents pretended not to notice the confrontation but kept their ears perked so that they could gossip about the event later.

The two men tore down the sheets and trashed the gazebo. They released Snowball into the wild, never to be seen again. The whole time they cursed the boy and called him names the boy had never heard of. They emptied the rest of the gasoline and when they finished tearing up the boy’s crayon pictures and the stomping the wooden bread box the boy planned to use as the Master of Ceremonies, the once shadowed man lit a match and held it in front of the boy’s face.

“Don’t fuck with The Ringling Brothers, mister!”

The man dropped the match and together the two men walked back to their car. The two drove away waving wild gestures at their thief while spitting in his direction. The boy never took his eyes off the car.

7 Reasons Southern California Traffic Sucks

2010-11-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

So sorry for the lack of 7 Deadly Lists recently. My computer's been in the shop for the past couple of weeks. I was working on a list for 7 Reasons I Love Apple Care, but I couldn't get past point 1: It saved me over $1,000 in repairs. Unfortunately, this means I had to abandon the Halloween list I was planning, but there's always next Halloween. I would also like to thank Cassi Jerkins for helping out in the lull with some creative writing stories. I hope you all enjoyed them as much as I did, and hopefully she has more coming soon.

Anyway, in the time since my last post, I was moved from my job at our Orange County location to our Redondo Beach location, which is good, because at least I'm getting work, but bad because on a good day, I have a one hour commute now. Which has forced me to create the 7 Reasons Southern California Sucks. And I think this will be the first list that I count it down from 7 to 1. Enjoy. Or not, I already got your page view.

7. Entrances to the 210

They're probably moving faster than you usually can.

Basically, my problem with the 210 is that they overused the traffic signals on the entrances to the freeway. I understand their intentions were good, but the execution failed a bit. There's no reason I need to wait for a red light during non-peak times. Recently, I was was backed up for over half a mile at one of these red lights only to merge onto a perfectly clear 210 after the light. The traffic lights are supposed to be relieving traffic, not adding to it.

6. San Diego Freeways in General

I enjoy that Google Image Search thinks that the 57 is in San Diego

My parents read this list and they live in San Diego, so I didn't want them to feel like they were left out, since apparently San Diego is part of Southern California too. Weird.

My one major complaint about San Diego traffic is that it's completely unpredictable. At least in Orange County, you know to avoid the 91 during rush hour at all costs, and in Los Angeles you know that the 10/110/101 mess is going to be bad. Also, San Diego tends to have a lot of people who are in Vacation Mode and aren't paying attention to anything going on around them and have no idea where they are or how to get to where they want to go. And those people don't make good drivers. LA drivers are bad, but they're really just intimidating. Once you figure them out, you get used to it.

5. Any Time the 605 Crosses Any Other Freeway

This is why you don't parallel park on the freeway.

This one is really confusing to me for some reason. The merges aren't designed any worse than other freeway merges in the area, and yet these always seem to be the most backed up. And it's not that the 605 is a crazy backed up freeway either. Once you're on the 605, it's back to normal 65 mph traffic. Maybe the 605 just confuses people and they need a minute to remember if they need to go on that freeway or not. By they way, I've typed "freeway" about 50 times in this blog already and every time, it comes out as "freeqway." Thought you might want to know about my fat fingers.

4. The Merge of the 10, the 110, and the 101

I really wish I understood Google Image Search sometimes.

And we finally find our way into Los Angeles. The 10/110/101 merge is a nightmare. Back when I used to have to fight my way through this daily for work, it could potentially ruin any kind of commute. The worst I ever experienced was two hours to get from the USC area to Studio City. That's less than 15 miles. With no traffic at 4:00 am, I've made that commute in 10 minutes.

But the worst part about this mess is that there's really no way to avoid it. In my three years of working for Universal Studios, I had no less that a dozen people try to give me good alternate routes. The problem is that nobody wants to be stuck in the terrible merge and is using these alternate routes. They don't help.

The only reason I didn't rank this any higher is that the traffic jam here is completely predictable. It's just south of the heart of Downtown Los Angeles, the combination of three very major freeways, and it is 100% guaranteed that it will be severely backed up. Plus, 95% of the people who use this merge, use it every day, so it's not like you have a bunch of people who don't know what they're doing and screw up the traffic any worse than it already is.

3. The 105

At least this would be an explanation...

It's funny how people who live in Los Angeles think they have the worst traffic ever. Little do they realize that most of the people who work in Los Angeles commute there from Orange County. Which means when the work day is over, everyone comes back to Orange County. At the same time. And there's less freeways with fewer lanes in Orange County than there are in Los Angeles. (I included both less and fewer so that at least one of them would be grammatically correct. Someone please let me know which is right.) This is a recipe for disaster. Plus, there's an airport or something at the end of the 105. That probably doesn't help much.

2. The 91

Bullshit.

According to Wikipedia, the 91 is the only freeway to connect Los Angeles County, Orange County and Riverside County. Not a good thing. Remember what I just said about the 105? Now imagine that same thing on a freeway that was designed before traffic jams in Orange County were a big deal. They try to improve the freeway, but they're always several years behind what the freeway actually needs. Plus there's that whole California has less money than most non-profit organizations thing. Perhaps we should hold an Upgrade the 91 Bake Sale...

1. The 57 and 60 Merge

Mad Rogue Comedy fully endorses this happening to the 57 and 60 merge.

I would really like to know who's idea it was to take a crazy busy freeway, cut it down to 2 lanes, and force it to merge onto another crazy busy freeway for over a mile before breaking it back off onto its own freeway. That was truly the stupidest decision in the history of freeway planning. Can someone please demolish it so that we can get a correct freeway intersection in there?

Story #2

2010-11-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

by Cassi Jerkins

The artist hunched over his pad of blank paper for nearly an hour at his favorite outdoor eastside cafe, the cigarette butts collecting beneath the table. “Why haven’t I been struck by the Muse?” the tortured artist sulked while gazing wincingly at the sun. He adjusted his black beret and sat back in the light wooden chair. “Pathetic,” he thought, “another bright day clouding my talent!” He scowled forward and snatched his pencil, thoughtlessly dabbling two ovals side by side. “What is this?” the artist peered piercingly at the two ovals, “Reveal yourself to me!” He slowly began to draw a smaller oval within the right oval… “Yes, an eye… but not just any eye. Please go on!” The artist continued to meticulously draw and the next hour carried by in a most surreal manner, this right eye becoming increasingly apparent to him… It was the “Eye of Death” of course and the left eye was slowly becoming the “Eye of Riddle”! The artist’s imagination was enticing him further and further down the rabbit hole.

The artist dedicated his whole afternoon to his masterpiece, along with two vanilla soy lattes. He gave his eyes a home to a skeleton’s face. A skeleton that relaxed in a hammock fixed between two palm trees in front of the ocean. “This is my happiness”, the skeleton seemed to say, “solve my riddle and it too can be yours.” The artist sketched and sketched as the world around him passed by and scurried about. Even as he penciled in the Mai Tai that rested proudly in the skeleton’s left hand, the artist paid no attention to it but to the “Eye of Death”. At the back of his mind, the “Eye of Riddle” whispered tauntingly, “Become my secret”.

The light rain announced itself, interrupting the artist; he looked up in surprise to see that the once warm, sunny day had become a cold, cloudy night. He looked frantically once more into the eyes of the skeleton and then packed it away with his supplies. He left the café and walked quickly to the stairs leading him down to the subway, his thoughts spinning upon what could possibly be the answer to the “Eye of Riddle”. In silence, he rode the subway back to Brooklyn; during the trip he remained deep in thought over the “Eye of Riddle”. “This is my happiness. Solve my riddle and it too can be yours…” His mind raced for the answer. “What could be this skeleton’s happiness? …The ocean? No, too obvious. A hammock? No, too simple…” The artist dwelled more on the picture… “A skeleton, with two piercing eyes… one a riddle… and the other Death!” His mind kept returning to his only hollow solution as he breathed anxiously: This riddle was impossible to solve with just the mind; it called for the artist’s own skeletal body to reach out to the Skeleton’s Eyes as well. Fear began to steer harder within but this was a test of artistry!

The subway reached his stop and the artist ran swiftly to his studio. He opened his door and ran straight to the bath, turning on the cold faucet to draw himself an icy bath. As the water slowly rose, the artist removed his clothes and then delicately opened his bag, removing his drawing with upmost care. He stood up and held the artwork towards the light staring deeply into the Eyes. As if possessed the artist stepped into the bath; he paid no mind to the freezing water that instantly stunned his nerves. He sank himself lower into the tub as he placed the skeleton upright on the toilet to face him. Not taking his eyes off the eyes of the skeleton, he turned the faucet off and drifted further into the tub. His breathing grew heavy and more rapid as he nervously lit the creamy white candle he had lit so many times before but this occasion was the most special, never mind that romantic evening with Mindy.

The artist placed his hands on his knees that peaked above the water like tips of icebergs. A sense of calm waved over the artist as his heart slowed its beat and his solitary breaths fogged the room. He could hear the calm pitter-patter of rain outside and the sounds of the cars that slicked past his window every so often. He closed his eyes and looked towards the ceiling as he inhaled a deep breath that reminded him of his shivering body. Slowly he opened his eyes and drew his attention eerily back to the eyes of the skeleton. He focused in on the “Eye of Riddle” that now twinkled more intensely upon him. “Come!” it said, “Come experience my secret.” The artist grew faint and out of focus as his eyes moved to the “Eye of Death”. As his eyes moved, his left hand moved towards the razor. The “Eye of Death” seemed so peaceful and steadfast with its gaze. “What is your secret?” the artist whispered, placing the sharpness of the razor upon his right wrist. “Come,” the Riddle said, “Come.” The artist slid the razor down the valley and placed the razor into the quivering, faint right palm. The left hand picked up the runny right hand and flopped it onto its own. “Down the valley I come for you my painting… my painting… my pain-“ The artist whispered back as his blood clouded the cold water and his eyes remained fixated on the eyes of the skeleton. By midnight, the right eye of the artist matched the skeleton’s “Eye of Death” perfectly but his left eye did not match the “Eye of Riddle”. The left eye of the artist whispered “Death” while the “Eye of Riddle” exclaimed, “Mai Tais!”

"Story 1"

2010-10-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

by Cassi Jerkins

The date couldn’t have gone more swimmingly for Jim and Jill. Jill looked delightfully divine in her pastel blue summer dress. Though Jim seemed a bit under dressed his curiously contagious green eyes kept Jill from caring. They spent two whole hours in the Green Basil Teatime Cafe without a notice for time. The mention of a certain popular English band gave the anxious chase a push into a more porous and fruitful exploration, giving the two butterflies. “Could this be the one?” they both thought in revealing secrecy.

They were suggestively kicked out of the cafe when the barista began to sweep the scone crumbs out from under their feet; they both did not want this night to end just yet. Jim, however, had a place to take Jill she would surely love for it was a place that Jim held close and longed to share with a bright eyed girl. Jill was this girl, the one perhaps he had pondered about when he dared to gaze into the future.

Jim took Jill’s arm in a noble way and lead her toward the lake. Jill knew the lake well but dared not to ruin Jim’s surprise. They both struggled at first for something to say during their walk but together realized the sounds of the silent cool evening was rather romantic. When they reached closer to the lake, Jim chose to take Jill under the willow trees away from the concrete path. She laughed as the willow branches swiftly brushed upon them. Jim wished her laugh would sing on forever. Through the willow trees they crossed when the lake finally announced itself. Both stopped in amazement at the sight of the lake. Never before had it looked so beautiful. Unknowingly they grasped each other’s hand. “How perfect to be sharing this moment with you” the gentle squeeze seemed to whisper. Years to centuries would have flown by if the two could permit and there they would have stayed.

Jill noticed Jim was growing rather anxious. She took the lead and led him to her favorite spot under an oak tree near the lake. Together they sat and looked over the lake, the draw of the moonshine upon the lake pulling them towards its beauty. Jim glanced at Jill as beads of sweat dripped down his face. She glanced over at him and saw his puppy-like quiver.

“Oh Jim!” she said, “Don’t look so frightened. I really can’t contain myself much longer! The truth is I find you absolutely divine! This evening has made me realize the perfection that exists in the universe. I feel as if every other moment of my life was just a bland lie. This... this is Truth! This is Love! Why Jim, I think I believe in soul mates!”

Jill clasped her hand against her mouth. “Oh, I’ve said too much. I’m sorry, I guess I was just too excited.” Jill looked away embarrassingly and then back at Jim in hopes of affirmation. Jim looked around nervously and then forced himself to gulp. “No Jill, it’s not that. No. ... Truth be told I too want to be with you more than anything. I truly hope you’re the one-”

“Oh Jim! Do you really think so? Oh Jim!” Jill squealed. She leaped forcefully towards him with her arms wide spread when she heard a slight, peculiar sound. They halted and stared into each others eyes. A bead of sweat quickly slid down Jim’s face, passing by his tremor-ing lip. Another abrupt sound release from Jim’s anus leaving behind a most moist and heinous smell. Jim quickly got up and ran to a bush to take an enormous shit. Jill looked away once again as Jim’s boisterous sounds filled the evening night. She tried to hold back her tears as she realized for the first time: this is the best she’ll ever do.

7 Members of my Dream Team Band

2010-10-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hello. So, for those of you who don't know, I am also a cohost of the amazingly hilarious and always interesting podcast Podtact. Available for free on iTunes Music Store. Anyway, we recently did a segment where we each assembled our own Dream Team Bands. I have expanded mine to 7 members to fit this little list format I do. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed listening to the music to research it.

1) LEAD VOCALS: BEN FOLDS

Sup ladies.

Lead vocals is obviously one of the most important parts of the band. They are the frontman and a truly amazing band (Gun's N Roses) can be murdered by a horrible lead vocalist. (Come on. Seriously. Axl Rose sounds like an obnoxious twat in their cover of Knockin' on Heaven's Door.)

That being said, I really appreciate Ben Folds music, and while he may or may not be the best vocalist for specific styles, I think that the thing that really gives him his edge is that he is really able to do any style and do it well. He's able to do the slow ballads (Brick) and he can put emotion into his love songs (The Luckiest), but then at the same time, he can do the catchy pop (Rockin' the Suburbs) and the more intense songs (Song for the Dumped).

For a frontman, I'd much rather have someone who is able to do well at any style than someone who can do one style perfectly and then sucks at the rest.

2) LEAD GUITAR: GARY ROSSINGTON

Alright, so once you have your lead vocalist and frontman locked in, it's time to look for a solid guitarist. This is the member that's going to turn your band from a pathetic spoken word festival into a kick ass rock band.

The think I like the most about Gary Rossington (from Lynrd Skynyrd) is that he brings the whole Southern Rock style to the band that I really like. He also brings some solid riffs to the table and can solo like a champion. Plus, he does lead guitar or rhythm guitar, so I figure we have our bases covered here.

3) BASS: PAUL MCCARTNEY

I hope by now you've realized that I'm going for the most "Sup Ladies" pose I can find...

So we have our vocalist and we have our guitarist. We're definitely on our way to getting a solid band together here. Now the next most important part here is the bass player. We need to get someone who can really be the backbone to the band, anchoring the band, and providing a solid bridge between rhythm and melody.

I know it's going to come across as pretty cliche, but my choice here is going to have to be Paul McCartney. He really did help to revolutionize the way bass worked into the whole mix, taking the instrument from a supporting character to an integral member of the band. By pulling the bass line out of the mix in many Beatles songs, you can tell just how intricate and important these lines are to the final product.

4) DRUMS: JESSE KRISTIN

Now, I'm not saying that the drummer is the least important of the major four, but it kind of is to an extent. I mean, you really do need to have a solid drummer that can keep the beat. However, I think the Beatles proved that you can have a great band with a passable drummer. It's not that Ringo's bad, but he's really not as revolutionary as the rest of the Beatles were.

Anyway, my pick for drummer is Jesse Kristin. He's the drummer for Jukebox the Ghost, which is a band that I recently discovered while listening to Pandora Radio. From my research, it seems that most people discover Jukebox the Ghost from Pandora Radio. Anyway, I like the band, Jesse Kristin is a pretty solid drummer, and you should go check out some of their music.

5) KEYBOARD: HUGH LAURIE

Basically every picture of Hugh Laurie is a "Sup ladies" pose.

Now, for those of you who are thinking, "Back up buddy, Dr. House is an actor, not a musician," you are incorrect. Hugh Laurie is an amazingly talented person who's talents extend far beyond faking an American accent. Hugh Laurie, along with stars of Heroes, Desperate Housewives, and other popular television shows created a pretty awesome cover band called Band From TV. Hugh Laurie plays keyboard for this band and he does it well.

6) STRINGS: BRIDGET REGAN

"Sup lad- wait a second..."

Violins? Ok. Violins in a rock band? Yes. I've never really heard violins put with rock music done poorly. I've also never heard it done better than Bridget Regan does with Flogging Molly. Pretty much amazing.

7) ACOUSTIC GUITAR: OBADIAH PARKER

Throwing in an acoustic guitar can really give a band a nice finish. It's something that you probably wouldn't notice if it was missing most of the time, but when it's there, it can really give your band a nice finished feel, especially on the slower more ballady song. Or it can be one jimbay away from a bad coffee shop open mic night experience. It could go either way.

Anyway, I picked Obadiah Parker for my acoustic guitar position. Have you heard his cover of Hey Ya? Need I say more?

7 Fall Shows That I'm Most Excited For

2010-09-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me just apologize for not posting a blog last week. I really do want to try to post something every Thursday, but I just couldn't come up with a solid idea in time. I figure I'd rather have a quality post than a weak post just for the sake of getting something up on Thursday.

As for this week's post, the fall TV lineup has begun! Therefore, I will be doing my first in an annual series of the 7 Fall Shows That I'm Most Excited For.

1) DEXTER

Showtime, Sundays at 9:00

With Season 4, Dexter proved that they were past the typical Showtime Season 3 Slump that many of their shows go through, and I'm thinking America's favorite serial killer is just going to keep picking up steam. I'm very excited to see what's the writers have in store for us after the events of last season's finale.

2) THE EVENT

NBC, Mondays at 9:00

Riding off the coat tails of Lost and other conspiracy shows, we have The Event coming to NBC this fall. I'm excited to give it a try, but if it turns out to be anything like NBC's last attempt at a conspiracy show, I'll be very excited to delete The Event from my Hulu queue. Yes, Persons Unknown was really that bad. NBC, don't screw your audience over again, or you're going to lose them.

3) GLEE

Fox, Tuesdays at 8:00

Yes, everyone's favorite guilty pleasure show is back for a second season, and I'm ready for it. I guess this one doesn't quite belong on a list of show's that I'm most excited for, but it is a show I plan on watching that is notable. You see, I'm completely on board for doing a second season, but it's also the show on this list that I'm most likely to cut from my Hulu queue halfway through the season. The first half of season one was amazing. They focused on story and then pulled songs that supported the story. In the second half, after their hiatus, they started focusing on creating a theme and picking songs and then trying to fill in a story to support the songs.

If Glee is able to return to it's roots of writing the story first and then picking songs that support the story, I'll be fully on board for season 2. If season 2 just continues with this masturbatory excuse for them to sing the songs they want to sing, I'll be jumping ship early. The singing really isn't good enough to excuse the stale, cliche and boring story arcs they tried to give us in the second half of season 1.

4) LIE TO ME

Fox, Wednesdays at 8:00

Tim Roth is a god. The show is insanely clever with a very solid concept. This is probably the show that I'm most excited for right now.

5) HELL'S KITCHEN

Fox, Wednesdays at 9:00

Chef Gordon Ramsay is back yet again, and I will be tuning in for every single episode. As far as reality shows go, I can really only get behind the ones that require the contestants to have some sort of specific skill. Plus, cooking shows always get me excited, and Ramsay is incredibly entertaining to watch.

My only concern with this is that we went from the previous season of Hell's Kitchen directly into Master Chef, also featuring Ramsay, and now we're going directly into the next season of Hell's Kitchen. Not even a single week break in between shows. I'm worried that America might burn out on him by the end of this season. Hopefully not. I'd hate to see his television franchises go and Donald Trump still be allowed on TV.

6) THE OFFICE

NBC, Thursdays at 9:00

I'm excited to watch the final season of The Office. What? This isn't the final season? But Steve Carrell is leaving.

I'm calling it now. Even if this isn't actually the final season, it's going to be the final good one. Steve Carrell has been carrying that show ever since Jim and Pam got together and ended that story arc. Friends got it right by not having the main romantic tension of the show resolve until the final season. Why on earth did The Office think it would be a good idea to resolve that several season ago? Then they tried to make a new Jim and Pam, but from the looks of it, they're not really pushing that new arc very hard.

7) OUTSOURCED

NBC, Thursdays at 9:30

Regardless of how well the rest of NBC is doing, one thing they've had a history of getting right is Thursday night comedies. Plus, I've seen the movie that this show is based on and I enjoyed it, so I'm excited to see how well it translates to sitcom.

Seven Baseball Terms I Use to Describe Drive Thrus

2010-09-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

I eat from places with drive thrus a lot. I mean it. A lot. As in, I won’t be surprised if I have a heart attack on my 30^th birthday. In fact, I go to drive thrus enough that I’ve come up with my own little language to describe my experience in a drive thru. And inspired by using baseball terms to describe stages of sexual relationships, I’ve used baseball terms to make up this language.

So here they are, the Seven Baseball Terms I Use to Describe Drive Thrus.

1) THE BASES

I don’t watch Baseball, and I’m pretty sure I still know more than whoever made this chart.

Alright, so I might as well start off with the most basic point and the point that forms the foundation for which the rest of the points are based on. Hmm, actually it might be fun to make you read the whole article and then find out what the foundation for it all is… No, probably not. Anyway, the Bases are equivalent to the different key spots of the drive thru.

A) At Bat

At bat is the menu with the intercom. This is where you place your order, and it is your only chance to hit your order out of the park. Or something like that.

B) First Base

First base is the first window. This is the window where you pay for your meal and the person who you heard on the loudspeaker is standing. Regardless of whether or not the restaurant uses their first window, or if they even have one (I’m looking at you Taco Bell), the first window is First Base. I’m still not completely sure why McDonalds is pretty much the only restaurant that still realizes that the first window is optimal for getting people through quickly, but that’s a blog for another day.

C) Second Base

Second Base is the awkward position between the two windows. Most restaurants get the spacing on this a little bit off and aren’t able to actually hold a car at second base, but I still count it.

D) Third Base

Third Base is the second window. This is the window where the give you your food. There’s really nothing more to say about this window. Third Base is my favorite stop on the drive thru.

E) Home Plate

Making it back to home plate is the equivalent of finally exiting the drive thru. Congratulations, you’ve just scored a run for your team.

2) HOME RUN

Ok, I know I know more about baseball than this guy.

Remember back in the good old days when heat lamps were used and nobody really cared about how fresh their burger was? I remember when the Carl’s Jr. near my house had a 3-minute clock at the drive thru window and if the clock hit zero, you got a coupon for a free burger on your next visit. This is why I am calling a Home Run when you are still able to make it from ordering your food to leaving the drive thru in less than three minutes. Unfortunately, you don’t get that free burger for missing the 3-minute window anymore though. Sad day.

3) GRAND SLAM

God bless America, and God bless Denny’s.

Now, if you follow baseball at all or have ever researched the etymology of the greatest breakfast in the history of the world, you can probably go ahead and guess what a Grand Slam in the drive thru world might be. In the sport of baseball and in the sport of professional drive thruing, a grand slam is a home run hit while the bases are loaded. So if you drive up to your drive thru to discover that there is someone paying, someone sitting in the awkward second base slot, and someone receiving their food and you are still able to leave the drive thru in under three minutes, you have just hit a grand slam. Congratulations. Eat your Double Whopper with a sense of victory, pride, and accomplishment.

4) STEALING A BASE

That doesn’t look right…

Stealing a base in my code system is basically anytime you skip any of the bases outlined above. It’s a little bit of a stretch, since you really can’t steal first base, but that’s the base you’re most likely to skip in the drive thru. A lot of restaurants either don’t have or don’t use their first window, so it’s pretty likely you’re going to steal first. Second is also somewhat likely, since a good number of restaurants don’t space their first and second windows out far enough for a full car.

5) ON DECK

The only picture from page one that wasn't Zach and Cody. Sad day indeed.

Not all restaurants use this, but they should. On deck is the menu that doesn't have an intercom attached to it. This menu comes before the primary menu and is extremely useful in eliminating roughly 33% of all Extra Innings cases. (See point #7)

6) STRIKING OUT

Statistically, there’s about a 132% chance of me striking out.

For whatever reason, a Strikeout happens when you enter a drive thru and then leave without any food. Perhaps you realized you didn’t have enough cash on you. Or maybe you got to the menu and realized Long John Silvers wasn’t really what you had in mind when you thought of stomach cramps. But whatever the reason is, you just made a fool of yourself and everyone in line is silently mocking you for entering the drive thru and then not following through. It’s like when we mock A-Rod for getting paid millions to play baseball and then not being able to hit the ball. What a jerk. Not that I could do any better though…

7) EXTRA INNINGS

Google Image Search really confuses me sometimes.

It’s really rather unfortunate when someone makes things go longer than they should. Which is exactly why going into extra innings is lame. Especially when I’m waiting for my Double Down from KFC. Oh, dang. See how nicely I pulled that all together? Anyway, the way you can send a drive thru into extra innings is when you irritate the people behind you by ordering something that completely ruins anyone’s chances at the 3-minute window.

Basically there are three major party fouls that you can pull when using a drive thru. And they all basically boil down to improper use of the drive thru. It is an express lane, not an “I’m too lazy to go in and order” lane. The carpool lane, the 10 items or less lane, and the drive thru were three things created to make things go faster, not to facilitate it your laziness. Anyway, here are the three party fouls.

A) Not knowing what you want to order when you get to the drive through. Please don’t sit at the menu trying to figure out what looks good. It’s Dairy Queen. They have burgers and ice cream. Pick something and move along.

B) Large orders – If you’re ordering more food than food for the driver and shotgun, park the car and go inside. You don’t take three carts full of food through the 10 items or less lane, why do you think it’s appropriate to order food for your whole cubicle farm from the drive thru?

C) Special Orders – The point of the drive thru is that it is supposed to be quicker than going in. Having to stop the assembly line because you don’t like pickles just ruins everyone’s day. Some places do an abbreviated partial menu for the drive thru. I would be fully in favor of more places doing this.

Seven Most “What Were They Thinking” College Mascots

2010-09-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I just recently found out that there’s this thing called football. And apparently, there’s a college version of this “football.” And from the looks of it, I think they start today or something. I really can’t tell. ESPN is being a little vague on the subject.

Anyway, I was going through my lists on ESPN.com and realized there are a couple of schools who have pretty dumb mascots. I don’t even know what those guys were thinking. It’s pretty ironic that there just happened to be exactly seven of those schools though.

Anyway, here they are in no particular order. I take that back. They’re in alphabetical order. Deal with it.

1) ARIZONA WILDCATS

And while we’re at it; also the Kansas State Wildcats, Kentucky Wildcats, New Hampshire Wildcats, and Villanova Wildcats.

I suggest watching your back Tigers.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that the Wildcats is by far the most cliché mascot name there could ever possibly be. I guarantee that 99.8% of the people reading this have gone to at least one school where the mascot was the Wildcats. For the love of god, please stop picking Wildcats as your school mascot. It only serves to show how utterly uncreative you are.

2) DELAWARE FIGHTING BLUE HENS

Did not pass any of the tests at KFC.

A) That thing up there is not intimidating.

B) The need to put “Fighting” or any other intimidating adjective in your mascot’s name doesn’t help your case.

3) GEORGETOWN HOYAS

Psst. These guys are our future lawyers and Congressmen. Classy.

So. What is a Hoya? Georgetown admits that they don’t even know. They decided to just go a head and make a bulldog their stand in mascot. I did a quick Google Image Search and a bunch of plants came up. Apparently their mascot is a plant. Let’s all silently mock them. Wait, scratch that, feel free to mock them out loud. Their mascot is a freakin’ plant, and they realized how lame that is, so they went ahead and changed it to a bulldog. Literally the only thing less intimidating than a plant is an amorphous blob of a single color…

4) HARVARD CRIMSON, STANFORD CARDINAL, AND SYRACUSE ORANGE

Oh! Scary! I hope it doesn’t grow fangs and bite me!

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bob: Ok guys, we need to come up with a mascot for our new school.

George: Cardinal

Bob: I like it. We’ll be the Cardinals. We can borrow some advertising materials from Arizona. It’ll save us a bunch of money.

George: No. I don’t believe I said “Cardinals” as in the bird. I’m pretty sure that I said “Cardinal” as in the color.

Bob: What?

George: I think our mascot should be a blob of the color Cardinal.

Bob: That’s ridiculous.

George: I still have pictures of you and a hooker.

Bob: Fine. We’re the Stanford Cardinal.

5) OREGON DUCKS

Easily the most intimidating animal in Google Image Search

I don’t know about you, but when I think duck, intimidating beast isn’t quite the first thought that pops into my head. Plus, the duck looks like Donald Duck in one of those sport based cartoons he did. And I’ve never known any Disney character to scare grown men.

6) TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

At lease they’re doing something more than making snarky comments on a blog.

I think somewhere along the line, somebody in Tennessee missed the point of having a mascot. I mean, it may just be school pride talking here, but I’m almost positive that if a Habitat for Humanity volunteer and a Trojan warrior crossed paths, the volunteer would be the one missing their dentist appointment that afternoon.

7) WAKE FOREST DEMON DEACONS

The Lord fully endorses slaughtering on a football field.

It may just be my Presbyterian upbringing, but when I think of Deacons, I think of middle-aged dudes who lead church events. I can’t decide if Demon Deacons makes it any better either. It’s almost like someone named Deacon died and the Wake Forest leaders spent 56 hours locked in a room trying to find a way to make Deacon sound even slighting intimidation.

The Seven Deadly Sins, in order of Bullshitness

2010-08-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! You have found the first in a series of seven points lists. Each week there will be yet another list for you to read and enjoy. Well, it’ll be here for you to read at least.

Since I settled on the number seven for the length of my lists, it naturally made sense for them to be the Seven Deadly Lists, which naturally makes sense that the first entry be a list on the Seven Deadly Sins. Now, most logical people realize that some of these sins are quite a bit more bullshit than others, so I took care of ordering them for you. Now you don’t have to worry about doing that yourself. See how nice I am?

Anyway, on to the first point!

1) SLOTH

I think this sloth is committing at least 3 Deadly Sins.

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, Sloth is defined as “disinclination to labour or exertion.” They go on to site some guy named St. Thomas. He seems important, because he shows up in a lot of my research. “As a capital or deadly vice St. Thomas (II-II:35) calls it sadness in the face of some spiritual good which one has to achieve (Tristitia de bono spirituali).” I’m not entirely sure what all this means, because I didn’t really care enough to read the full definition, but it’s something along the lines of apathy and laziness.

Why It’s Bullshit:

I can sum up my entire argument for why the world doesn’t care about Sloth with two words: Blizzard Entertainment. Yeah, we all make jokes about the stereotypical World of Warcraft player, but with 11.5 million monthly subscribers; it’s a bit hard to say the world really gives a damn about getting out of the computer chair and showing some interest in the outside world.

Also, I tried to count all the movies that feature a hero who’s ridiculously lazy and apathetic, but I stopped caring around Stepbrothers.

2) GLUTTONY

“Sup Ladies.” --Fatty McFatfat

Gluttony is the over indulgence of food and drink to the point of waste. Our good friend St. Thomas goes even further to say that anticipating your meals or wanting to season your food is going to send you to a tea party with Dante also. Who would have guessed that Mrs. Dash was such a whore?

Why It’s Bullshit:

In case you didn’t realize, America may or may not have a slight problem with their weight. With 8 out of 10 Americans being at least pleasantly plump, I’m not sure if we can really safely say that this is a Deadly Sin we care about anymore. Sure, we all love to make fun of those fat bastards. I mean, who else am I going to get to play the boulder in my next Indiana Jones Theme Party? But with a vast majority of us being overweight, I think we can call this Deadly Sin Bullshit.

3) PRIDE

I was having a hard time deciding which Pride pun to make.

Ellen Page won.

Pride is defined as the excessive love of one’s own excellence. St. Thomas thinks it’s more of a vice than a Deadly Sin though, so his credibility is pretty much thrown out the window at this point. I suppose this is the point in the list where these sins aren’t blatantly bullshit anymore. Everyone knows and hates that asshole who thinks he’s the best at whatever it is you do. Plus, too much pride can lead to self-idolatry, which is against one of the Big Ten. (I’ll have to do an edit on those if I want to write a list about them…)

You prideful sons of bitches.

Why It’s Bullshit

Pride being a Deadly Sin is complete bullshit because we all need pride to improve society. If you didn’t care about being proud of the way you looked, you certainly wouldn’t be sitting around in your boxers, eating a Twinkie and reading blogs. Wait, scratch that last part. If it wasn’t for people trying to be the best in their field, we’d still think leeches are the best cure for just about everything.

Perhaps it’s more of that whole, “a little pride goes a long way” thing?

4) LUST

“Hey Babe, what’re you up to Friday night?”

Ah, lust. Where do I start with you? I wanted to stop with the St. Thomas references after 3, but I believe it was him who defined lust as “the desire to bone… you know… get your dick wet.” That sounds like something he might have said, right? Here’s where it starts to get sticky. I wanted to put this more towards the end of the list, considering all of the conservatives who say, “Don’t fuck till your wedding day.” But then I remembered all the liberals who say, “Do you need cab fare to get home now?”

Why It’s Bullshit:

A $4 billion industry can’t be all bad, can it?

5) ENVY

LG has soiled the word Envy forever.

According to Catholic Encyclopedia, envy is “a sorrow which one entertains at another's well-being because of a view that one's own excellence is in consequence lessened.” Huh? I think that’s a wordy way of saying my enV sucks and I’m jealous of my friends with iPhones and Droids. Blackberries can suck it.

Why It’s Bullshit:

I think this one probably refers back to the Big Ten again, and I’m thinking envy sometimes leads to stealing, but come on. Really? Just because I’m looking over at my friend’s dinner and wishing I had ordered the fried zucchini instead of the onion rings means I’m going to burn in hell? Bullshit.

6) GREED

“Back off Jimmy, and nobody has to get hurt.”

Greed is another one of those sins of excess. Just like lust and gluttony, having too much wealth or power leads to you dancing with Lucifer for falling to the temptation of greed. Let’s look at little Suzy up there as an example. Sure, she could share the dolls and be able to play with two other friends, but then she wouldn’t have all the dolls to herself anymore.

Why It’s Bullshit:

According to Catholics, Suzy’s more likely to go to Hell for not sharing her dolls than I am for shitting in my neighbor’s mailbox just to piss him off.

7) WRATH

Hulk Smash!

Wrath is by far the least bullshit of all of the Deadly sins. The Catholic Encyclopedia defines wrath as “the desire of vengeance.” Dante’s definition of wrath includes "love of justice perverted to revenge and spite". So it’s not just getting ticked off that the guy in front of you isn’t turning right on a red light. (Hey, tourists, that’s legal here in California.) It’s getting out of your car and punching the guy in the face until the light turns green that our good friend St. Thomas wouldn’t be happy about.

Why It’s Bullshit:

To be completely honest, I had the hardest time coming up with a legitimate reason why Wrath being a Deadly Sin is Bullshit. I mean, obviously getting pissed at some idiot and slamming his face into his steering wheel is a bad idea. I even had to stop writing and come back to the article the next day to finish all because of this paragraph.

Ultimately, the only thing I could come up with is that Wrath is the only Deadly Sin that comes with a list of qualifiers. Every other sin on this list just flat out says, “This is fucked up. Don’t do it. Ever.” Wrath is the only one where the Catholic leaders say, “You shouldn’t commit Wrath, but just so you know, here’s a list of stuff that technically doesn’t count as Wrath that we’re willing to look the other way on.” Here’s another quote from the Catholic Encyclopedia that sums up the gray areas of Wrath.

“Its ethical rating depends upon the quality of the vengeance and the quantity of the passion. When these are in conformity with the prescriptions of balanced reason, anger is not a sin. It is rather a praiseworthy thing and justifiable with a proper zeal. It becomes sinful when it is sought to wreak vengeance upon one who has not deserved it, or to a greater extent than it has been deserved, or in conflict with the dispositions of law, or from an improper motive.”

So, basically, there’s a fine line here. If you stay on the right side of the line, keeping your anger to acceptable levels of logic, reason and passion, anger is not only acceptable, but looked at as a virtuous quality. And if you need to have a full on trial to decide if your actions were justifiable or not, then this sin can’t be considered one of the most horrible and Deadly Sins. I call Bullshit on this whole Deadly Sin business.